Friday, November 9, 2018

"No More Championships!" begs Boston Mayor

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Says the 2018 Red Sox World Series Championship Put City $10 Million in the Red

by Jeff Briskin

BOSTON. While most Bostonians were celebrating the triumph of the Red Sox in the 2018 World Series, one noteworthy fan is wallowing in despair—Boston Mayor Marty Walsh.

“Hey, I love a good championship as much as anyone, but enough is enough,” said Walsh. 

“You know how much it costs this city every time the Red Sox, Celtics, Patriots and Bruins win? Millions of dollars, that’s how much.” 

As a case in point, Walsh brought out a stack of invoices from this year’s Red Sox World Series parade. “Look at this—$3 million in police overtime. $4 million for the sanitation department. $2 million for the Duck Boats. Hell, the insurance policy we had to take out on Mookie Betts alone cost more than the city’s entire annual budget for summer jobs for inner-city youth.” 

Shortly after assuming office, Mayor Walsh ran a departmental financial analysis that revealed that 80% of City of Boston’s budget deficit over the last 17 years was due to championship-related expenses. 

“Winning five Super Bowls, four World Series, an NBA championship and a Stanley Cup may be great for fans, but it’s the City of Boston that ends up picking up the tab,” said Walsh. "It will take us years to dig ourselves out of this fiscal hole.” 

The Mayor said he has been encouraged so far by issues with the region's other three teams.

“The Patriots losing to the Eagles this year saved us $7 million alone. If the Pats' defensive woes hold up, the Bruins continue to be mediocre and the Celtics fold against the Warriors in the NBA Championships, this city may eke out a championship-free season in 2019. That’s something I’m really looking forward to,” said Walsh.