Friday, November 9, 2018

Amazon to Build New Corporate Campus Next to Jennifer Lawrence

CEO Will Shift HQ to be Closer to Hunger Games Star

by Jeff Briskin

SEATTLE. In a surprise move, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has announced that the e-commerce giant plans to move its corporate headquarters from Seattle to Beverly Hills, California. 

The new 2.5 million square foot campus will be built on land abutting the mansion of actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Explaining his reason for the move, Bezos admitted that it has nothing to do with taxes, property values, or the proximity of talent from local colleges and universities. 

"I just lovvvveeee Jennifer Lawrence. I've been a fan of hers since seeing her play the teenage daughter of Kim Basinger in the 2008 film, The Burning Plain. Moving Amazon's headquarters next to Jennifer's home will dramatically improve my chances of becoming friends with my idol," said Bezos.

Before construction even starts Amazon will spend nearly $755 million to purchase 23 properties abutting Lawrence's home and another $300 million to raze more than 89 mansions, guest houses and other structures currently owned by a variety of Hollywood actors, industry executives and Iranian ex-expatriates. 

Construction of the new campus will cost nearly $2 billion, not including millions of dollars of infrastructure improvements Amazon will need to make to accommodate its energy, plumbing and transportation needs. But in the end, Bezos says it will all be worth it. 

"Just the thought of being able to look out of my corner office and see Jennifer sunbathing by her pool, performing yoga in her exercise studio or standing in her kitchen using Alexa to order take out from Zinque inspires me to see this through," Bezos said. 

While admitting that having 80,000 employees as neighbors might be unsettling for the star of American Hustle, Bezos says that any minor inconveniences will be more than made up by the level of red-carpet service Lawrence will receive from Amazon. 

"Anything Jennifer orders from Amazon, even it's a package of $1.98 thumbtacks, will be delivered to her house within 10 minutes by me. And if she needs to return anything, I'll pick it up myself, anytime, day or night. And she'll never have to pay a dime of shipping costs, because for her, Amazon Prime will always be free," said Bezos. 

And what does the CEO's wife, MacKenzie, think about the move?

"Well, I have to admit that she had some grave reservations at first. But when she found out that her new office will overlook [actor] Ryan Gosling's house she immediately warmed up to the idea," said Bezos. 

Bezos originally planned to build his new headquarters next to the home of Guardians of the Galaxy star Zoe Saldana, but those plans fell through. 

"I began to lose enthusiasm when she secretly married Italian sculptor Marco Perego. And when she took out the restraining order on me I knew that deal was dead."

Bezos is anxious to get work started on his new headquarters, which is expected to be completed in three years. What are his biggest concerns?

"Well, obviously, it would be terrible if she moved, or started losing her looks, but I'm crossing my fingers neither will happen," said Bezos.